Legit my only wish is not to die alone. But, unsurprisingly, it's difficult to find someone who will watch you kill yourself. All I want is for someone to hold my hand while I go. I know I can't do that to anyone. It just seems so unfair. Everyone else gets to die surrounded by their friends and family. If it was any organ besides my brain that was killing me, I wouldn't have to do it alone. But since it is in my brain, because they can't see it, because they don't feel it, they won't let me go. They still think it is my choice. What they don't understand is I don't decide why, or how, or to get better. The only thing I have control over is when, and doing it now would be kinder for everyone. You let your dog go when he's sick. Why don't you understand that it's cruel to make me stay, too?
Vulnerability
CW: Suicidal ideation, self-injury This is depression. It's early morning and all my friends are asleep; I've already talked to half of them today anyway. I am gut-crying, weeping into pillow, snot running down my face. I am desperate. My head hurts from crying. My whole body is shaking. All I can think about is making the pain stop; please, god, make it stop. It feels like I'm breathing in water instead of air. It feels like my organs are rotting inside me, but for some reason, I'm the only one who can smell the stench. When you have been depressed for 15 years, you run out of ways to describe it. There are only so many ways to say "I feel sad for no reason" or "everything hurts" or "I can't take one more fucking second of this existence." You know you're gonna come out of it but you also know you're gonna end back up right here, staring at the computer screen, thinking about all the ways you could kill yours
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